yoshi's inter-web blog

Focus.

2009-02-10T20:44:21Z

FOCUS

Be patient, Keep motivated, and most importantly...

Don't epic fail :)

Exhausted, Depressed, but always hopeful :).

2009-02-09T00:11:54Z

The last month has been a little rough,

Between work and school I've only had 1 day off in about 3 weeks, I was asked to work my coming Sunday off and if I get called into job number 2 on Saturday I won't have had a day off for 29 days... Thats nutty... Only 2 days off in 6 weeks :P.

Its okay though,

I can do this.

I've noticed something that I've set up myself up to be busy all the time, I guess its my way of trying to work shit out. As much as I like being free I don't really like being free and having nothing to do... Not that I always don't, but I tend to feel useless if I'm not doing anything...

I'm exhausted... In the past 3 days I've driven almost 250 miles and worked for 28.5 hours, give or take 5 hours of sleep a night...

It kinda makes me feel good about myself though because I'm not slacking off, or being lazy.

Ugh, I'm tired,

I have a quazi-headache, I've got things I'd like to get done and hopefully I'll be able to get a good portion of the stuff I was hoping to get done today...

Theres been alot going through my mind recently, and thankfully I think I'll be able to relax for a little while tonight :) after I take care of what I need to do...

...

I've noticed that finally I've pretty much got my life more or less under control...

But yet I'm not completely happy...

I'm going to sure try to be okay though :).

With Aspirations,

-Yoshi

Going Green

2009-01-26T19:45:34Z

Well then I guess we all have to do this somewhere along the line, we all know its important, and even though it might feel like just one person trying won't make much of a difference, it does, and it will.

So, personally I'm going to try to do this a couple of ways, one of which is to reduce the amount of plastic bags I give at work, usually I'm always reaching for a bag to bag things up for people. I think its good service but at the same time there really is no reason many times of why I can't just hand them their prescription which is already bagged up in a paper bag. We go through tons of bags a day yeah, if you have more then 1 item, I understand why you would want a bag to hold them together. At the same time if the item needs to be discrete I understand that as well. Of course if someone wants a bag, then I'm more then happy to bag it up, but many times people don't seem to really care so I might as well take the initiative to try to save bags. Being that we enter between 100 and 300 prescripts daily and a portion of them are just a single script, when I personally ring someone up with a single script or grouped script I can save a bag, even if I save ten to twenty bags a day, I work on average 3 days a week, so thats 30 to 60 bags a week I can save from landing in a landfill or even worse into a poor sea turtles mouth. Thats 520-1040 bags a year that I can save :).

The other way is that my ass is going to try to recycle. I drink energy drinks like water most of them are in cans so instead of just chucking every one, I can put a recycling bag or container in my trunk so at least the ones I drink in my car I can recycle.

Yep, so in the end you ask yourself what can I do? There are things we can all do, everything counts, and every one person does make a difference.

I'm trying things as one person, if we all try we can even make a bigger difference :),

With Hope,

-Yoshi

Finding Strength

2009-01-19T20:58:38Z

Phew, finally the "wave" is passing...

I didn't want to blog in the middle of it but being that its passing I think I'm good to write, because if I had whilst I was all blah my entry would have been something like "wah wah wah" I'm sad rrr I wanna be happy lol.

Haha,

Much better; everyone has their battles with being down and usually I'm good at dealing with it whether it's a clean car that makes me happy, a good chill session with friends, a trip, a shower, or whatever but this time I couldn't shake it as easily as other times.

The past day or so I was feelin kinda poopy, sometimes the feelings of self-doubt, and loneliness tend to consume me. When it does it not fun; but I'm glad I was able to snap out of it. Back to the positive me again :).

What seemed to do the trick this time was as little trip in my car, no socks, just a shirt and shorts lol, just kinda going over to the seven eleven grabbing a drink, then heading over to work to give George back his wallet and getting a Diet Pepsi for my dad.

Even though feelings of sadness are short lived for me, its still hard to deal with at times. At this point in my life with my responsibilities I find that even a little falter in my step could send me closer to toppling and screwing things up.

I'm still glad that the little things in life are still able to keep me motivated to continue. My world would crumble if I don't find the strength in my self to be able to keep at it.

I figure if I keep working hard and trying, things will be okay.

Every dog will have its day I suppose and I might as well be the best dog I can be until its my turn :).

Lets keep trudging on Yosh. Just like you've been telling yourself in your blogs for years. You can do it, just keep trudging along.

:),

With Hope,

-Yoshi

A Special Day.

2009-01-16T06:20:06Z

This is one of those quick posts, I'm not going to go on and on about my life, school, or friends as usual.

But anyway there is something that I kinda thought was cool today,

I was looking through some of my super super super super old blog entries on a blogging site that I used even before this one.

And I found this.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, January 15th, 2003

Subject: Happiness :-).
Time: 7:27 pm.
Hey!

Well its all good today :-).
I got to go home early from school sick :-).
Praise the germs... I love you guys I would love to get some kind of curable non contagious disease... Something like... a ear infection.. but without the pain.. maybe even mono but then I can't kiss or cut people down on stoges...
But anyway its all good.

Today I went to my girfriend's birthday party.
I gave her my gift which was a bunch of Hot Topic braclets I think she liked them :-).
Well anyway she got some ticket to go to some concert and she was real happy...
Um... I ate pizza... and stuff...
But lol its all good...
In a good mood schools gonna mess it up but thats okay :-).
Life is good.

Hmm... I'll update sometime soon,

-Yoshi

------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, thats from EONS ago.

I can't believe its been SIX years...

Shit that seems so long ago when its dated like that. It prompts me to reflect on all the time that's gone by since the and how things change over time.

SIX years, thats NUTS! I'm still a little astonished that I have written history from 6 years ago lying around secretly on the net.

I'm still trying to write how that makes me feel, its totally weird... My concept of time seems so "in the moment" and I even though I know that there was a past, this really reinforces that I did live in it as the present at the time...

Its been quite a trip all those years, and since then I've grown so much, physically, mentally, emotionally, and intellectually...

Even though I've grown a lot and many of things have changed since then, I find that six years later, I find myself sitting in my room, thinking about her, and writing yet another blog.

Wow,

-Yoshi

Time, Life, and Patience.

2009-01-04T17:17:45Z

Its been a while since I've updated, as usual, it hasn't been the first time I've sat down and attempted but I figure this is a good time to begin.

Finally the winter break, yay! I thought that this break was going to be filled with tons of free time and a lot of relaxing, its actually quite different then I had expected. To start the beginning to my winter break one of my best friends and coworkers Mo got fired without any notice really from people "high up," not only did I not know about it but our immediate boss, didn't know about it either. Chaos ensued. (btw it was stupid reason why he got fired, legit, but stupid, and he did nothing with mal-intent).

We lost almost the entire closing shift, being that Mo would work 4 to 5 of them during the week. Being that were not staffed fully to begin with (thankfully recently we hired 2 people hopefully they'll be alright after they train and learn) I had to work some extra shifts. Not that I minded that of course because my last paycheck was PHAT lol but it wasn't the relaxing winter break I had expected. As that cooled down and the shifts were able to arranged and distributed properly, Our other Co-worker dislocated her shoulder and now is out for 4 weeks... More shifts there. So, its been work work work for me lol.

To add to all of this I got a second job! I periodically take some time on Craigslist to send a couple apps out and I got a response from a place to deliver for them, roughly 5 to 10 3 days a week. Seems as though I get let out early if slows down so I don't know exactly how much I would be making there. My first day was from roughly 4 to eight thirty this Friday and I didn't really make much, hopefully I will come out with better next time :).

I don't really wanna go on a huge tangent about school but I figure I'd break it down real quick. This semester my grades were good, I got a straight A's (which for one class I was supprised) but I'm glad. My GPA went from a 3.49 to a 3.57, hopefully I can maintain that trend in increase when I take my next semester; I have 2 classes that I a little afraid of being Organic Chem, and Pre Cal (Ugh math, I dropped this class last semester). My other two classes consist of Music Appreciation and Cultural Anthropology, seems like I took to many BIOs and CHMs, that I need to take some more Humanities along with Diversities to graduate lol, so I have a few hopefully easy As there. We'll all see in due how well I am able to manage next semester.

As usual I can throw down plenty of paragraphs about my school, and work life. Well obviously that's the easier of the things to blog about, very liner, and very literal.

Its been a good year so far, but a hard one as well.

I haven't been in a relationship since Joanne and I became no longer. Always through out my growing up since I was 13 it seems as though I've always had someone there a good portion of the time, and I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I hated being alone. I still don't like being alone... But its really okay I guess. I've taken the time to try to reflect on myself, to try to be a better person, I don't want to be just jumping into a relationship quickly for the creature comforts of someone being there. Its simply not worth it.

I must admit that it is a little painful to live this way though, but what can I say.

I'm glad to see that Joanne seems to be happy. Every time I see her she's with a group of a people having a good time, and from what I understand she's met a few boys here and there since then and currently dating someone from my town. As much am happy to see her, it seems like to me that it hurts a bit more then before to see her now. Its very clear to me that I have no real desire for her in that way, but yet I still find it a little uncomfortable to see her.

Its nice to see someone who you were so close to being so seemingly happy, it is, but I can't help but to be a little sad because really I haven't had anyone special in my life for a while, and feelings of loneliness only intensify when you see your "ex-other-half" having such a wonderful time. Yes, its true, that I am single by choice, and the way my life is recently is more or less going to plan and things are going well, but with the choices of I've made it does feel a little lonely at times, I know I need this time to reflect and grow, but there always will be a part of me that desires of a company of another and all those hopelessly romantic little things that you can share with someone. Its important for me to keep myself steadied and patient, in the end all my hard work now will hopefully amount to a better me, and intern next time when the time comes I'll be able to try to be the best person I can be for someone else.

I do walk a little bit of a lonely road at times, but I'm so very thankful that I have such wonderful people and opportunities around me, my friends, my family, work and school. Hopefully one day I'll meet someone nice, it is something I think about every so often, but right now I gotta keep taking my *time* living and sharing my *life* with the people and opportunities around me, and being *patient* not only with myself, but with everyone else as well.

:), as I like to say "such as life"

Lets not epic fail Yosh, lets not :), *pats hims self on back*.

Woot, a full blog completed :)! (what a achievement!) :P,

-Yoshi

Ithaca...

2008-11-24T18:24:48Z

Wow, that was great,

Simple put I wanna go again, Ithaca college seems like a decent choice... Hm...

Maybe I'll write more in detail later :)

-Yoshi

Short and simple (hopefully)

2008-11-21T05:31:19Z

So yeah life's been alright, lots of work to do as usual, finally one more shift until I get to head out to Ithaca, I've always loved traveling via car with friends and just being out on the road and far away so I'm going to be totally excited, I think as usual I feel like I'm unprepared because I'll be leaving in 17 hours and I haven't packed or cleaned my car, not only that I still have to sleep and work a shit at work in between :). But for that next 17 to 18 hours that's gonna be me :).

I'm totally psyched to get the fuck out nj, get a break from the daily grind and just relax I'm looking forward to feelin that nice sense of free-ness you feel when your out traveling... :) this trip is going to great!

I did invite Brandi but she hasn't gotten back to me, speaking of her I never hear from her anymore, for while that I really got my hopes up that we'd start talking and chilling again, especially when she more or less said that she liked me. But at this rate it seems like she doesn't seem to want to reciprocate my willingness to keep in touch whether that meant a message here and there or a call once in a while. In the end its all good, I guess. I really hope that she's alright and happy.

Its important to me that people are happy :).

MAN! I am so fucking excited! Finally some excitement in my life :)! Its been a while since I've looked forward to this, I think I wanna try to make a stop at Cornell to see the Ornithology area they have I heard they some of the biggest collections, but what I'm really interested is the bird viewing area they're supposed to have. Maybe I can find a nice club for all of us to go that would be pretty chill. I mean between the waterfalls, mate`, and just nice cold bringing people together, its going to be great.

Hopefully I'll be able to get some pictures this time but I'm not sure if it will end up that way.

Shit in less then 24 hours I'll be in Ithaca weeeee!

Ugh I need this, to get the fuck out of here for a while, I could use some renewed-ness to help me get re-motivate for the rest of the semester got a lot of labs to write and crap, and I have to start and finish and a draft for a 5 page paper on Sturnus vulgaris on Monday lol :) fun fun fun, hopefully fun in the sun with the wind in my face this weekend :) I'll totally excited.

!

2008-11-13T21:18:41Z

So.

Finally I have enough focus and mental stability to actually write something that's not jacked up lol :).

So I dropped my Pre-Cal class... After receiving a failing grade on my second test, along with the 74 from the first I figured its probably best that I drop it so that I can just take it over next semester, being that I'm gonna be at bergen for two more semesters because of organic chemistry it just means that I'll have to take a extra class. Algebra type classes always have been a little on the difficult side for me in college, aside from starting college without any base algebra skills because of the lack of high school, the type of learning you have to do with math, is different for me compared to Chem, Bio, and other classes, or maybe its not lol, I really have to take the time to hammer out some problems lol haha and do homework. But things should still go smoothly and this way I won't be tarnishing my GPA with a low grade.

I should be able to A at the very least my BIO and my PSY class, my average in those two classes are ridiculous so I should be okay as long as I keep it up. Now on the Chem, my first test was a 93.5, but my second I didn't really do what I should have done (study + pay attention) so I ended up failin :( woops! No big deal though because she drops the lowest test and I'm confident I can still pull through with a A, so I should be okay in everything except my CHM lab, I haven't really been doing that lab reports so I should get my ass in gear :).

I haven't been "out" in who knows how long, I mean I still have been going out to the city and chillin once in a while but I've piled myself up with a retarded amount of work so I haven't had an afternoon free all week, today *would* have been a free afternoon but Mo had asked me if I wanted to take his shift for today and I was like sure ;P. At least its good money and it will help me be able to cover extra expenditures and pay some of my bills off quicker.

Hm... I guess there I go ranting about work and school again, truthfully there are much more then work and school that weighs heavy on my mind. I guess thats gonna get kept to myself, at least in this entry. Yerp. So thats about that! And look what time it is... off to work :).

-Yoshi

Weekend.

2008-11-10T02:55:35Z

What a nice weekend,

Really got to rest and relax for the on coming week thankfully I won't have to worry about the 3rd quarter tests well for another quarter because I finished up all of my 2nd quarter tests already the past couple weeks. Ugh, but I am going to have to do alot of catching up in Pre-Cal I barely payed any attention to the last lecture because I had a Bio test later on that day. Oh well gotta keep trudging along.

I ended up getting called into work on Friday because the coverage that was scheduled didn't show up so I actually was able to work my shift, but that night I went out to meet up with a couple friends and totally had a good time, I ended up sleepin over my friend Dave's house and chilled out with some friends in that area into the night, instead of staying out all night I decided to come home and chill out and get some rest because I had made plans with Brandi to hang out the next day.

Going to sleep when your not tired SUCKS lol I had a bad or weird dream and woke up like twice. It was totally worth it though.

Sunday (today) I woke my ass up bright and early so to meet up with Brandi for some Brunch, we ended up eating at Mitsuwa (woot), grabbed desert and went on a tour or all those nice parks/look outs along the river on and on the bottom of the palisades. Afterwards we spontaneously went to Nyack a town I haven't been in a long time in NY state to chill. Holy shit that place looks just like Ithaca, I totally have to take her their, I think she'd dig it.

Chilling with Brandi was nice today, there is something about her smile that I really like, it makes me happy when I see her smile and complain that her cheeks hurt. Its important that I'm able to make someone smile, especially her. I really do like her and I'm lookin forward to us hanging out in the weeks to come, I am a little nervous and a little cautious because I don't want to get hurt. But I can't let that stop me from hoping.

Lifes really been good lately, and I'm really looking forward to being able to continue to make progress and work hard. I was trying to convince myself that I can do it alone, and I guess I could, and yea that might the safest way to prevent myself from getting of course or crashing, but I do really want to be able to be happy with someone, even with all the trials we're all going through, I think it can be done.. it would be nice, its a risk but its important to me.

Life goes on.

2008-11-05T04:23:33Z

First thing is first holy shit my screen is bright let me pull my charger... Shit the charger is already off :).

Okay now that manually changed the brightness the text is still hard to read lol. I guess everyone who's ever heard me talk about my eyes knows that I have 20/15 vision, but my eyes aren't perfect and its my muscles in my eye that give me this vision, when I get tired my vision tends to get shoddy. So yeah I think it might be a case of that

Holy shit this week was great, I'm sometimes surprised that I can pul a weeks like this off... I have three friggin tests this week. No only do I I have three friggin tests, I started to seriously study for my first one on Sunday night, (the test was this Monday evening). Then I began to study for my next test Monday night that was taking place this morning... And I think I did okay on both of them, probably better on the first (bio) then this one (chem). So far I have no lower then A's in terms of tests in both those classes so I should be okay hopefully. Chemistry tests seem very "grey" until I get them back so we'll see what I get.

I'm going to stop blabbin about school because I blab about school a lot in person anyway so let me continue (holy shit I'm having trouble seeing...)

So I woke up at 4:55am this morning met up with Mike and his friend Chris to grab a bite to eat a Gotham City diner. I ended up taking Chris with me to school and after my test we went out and hung out around Jersey (He's from VA like Mike is). Then I had another class treated myself out to magazine reading session at Barnes and Noble (I read about reptiles mainly this time). Went to a pet store for a bit and came home and just bullshitted watched a ass load of House... Each episode goes by so quickly you know?

Haha,

Anyway instead of bloggin like I used to blog back in the day (think like 03 deadjournal) where I'd just list what I did during the day and whatnot I'm gonna try to write about what I've been thinking and feelin I guess.

Duck came by to visit from Syracuse I think about a little more then a week and half ago which was fun coincidentally Mike was also up from VA so we all got together and went to the City, and the next day Duck came with me a couple of my classes and chilled out with a few of my friends. I really had a good time. I know Duck wants to date but I'm not sure if that exactly what I want. Between all of the factors of both our lives including the distance and what not I'm not sure if it would exactly be the best relationship. Not only that but I kinda happy single and not lookin to just jump into a relationship you know?

I'm still trying to get used to being alone... I mean I'm okay at it and I keep myself busy but I think really one of things I personally need to do is be by myself so that I can grow as a person more, to reflect, and to make improvements I guess.

Its very lonely at times like today because aside the chillin in the AM I didn't have a real night activity aside from sitting at Boston Market studyin with my friend then driving to Barnes + Pet store. So I spent a majority of my time at home just chilling.

But I guess this is okay, and it doesn't help that I don't feel 100% perky today just exhausted I guess.

I'm kinda confused as to what I really want right now but I know that where I am is where I belong and that at least I know that in this particular state I'm doing okay. I have time to figure out what I want, I least I hope so and I guess while I'm figurin it out I'll keep focused on my studies, my job, paying off my debt (which reminds me I should as Jo for some of the dough she owes me lol), and just trying to become a better person and grow more as and individual so that I have more to offer as a person.

Anyway I'm tired as shit I'm posting this I know I spelled some words wrong too lazy to edit it, LJ said I haven't posted in like 5 weeks so here's a post. I did look it over a bit though.

Hehe

:),

"Such as Life"

-Yoshi :).

Growing up.

2008-09-29T03:12:33Z

I've been working really hard as of late at least compared to my seemingly lack of effort in the past. There has been a lot going on, and many things that I'd like to talk about but every time I sit down on my computer on this page I don't know or don't have enough motivation to put it into words that I think are satisfactory enough to leave on this blog. Anyway, I was searching around on the net about getting into Med school, pre-med, and residencies and I came across this list from thedermblog.com. I really hope to aspire to it.

# Work harder than everybody around you.

* Imagine yourself the Tiger Woods or Lance Armstrong of your medical school class. Be the first one in and the last one to leave the gross anatomy lab. Round on your surgery patients at 4.30 AM. (Yup, that means getting up at 3.30 AM). Know the surgeries you will participate in that day. Know the anatomy you will see in the OR like you know your own name.

# Be generous with your knowledge and your time.

* Share notes with your classmates. Help out your teammates when their patient load gets too heavy. You can never get to be number one if you’re all alone.

# Accept criticism gracefully.

* If your resident says you’re wrong, then you’re wrong. Move on.

# Never complain. Never, never, never complain.

* Not to your classmates, not to your intern or resident, not to your attending, not to your girlfriend or boyfriend, not even to your mom.

# Realize that life isn’t fair.

* Sometimes you will deserve to get a question correct or will deserve a better grade. It’s part of the game; it’s part of life. Just pick your ball up and move on to the next tee.

# Believe that you can be number one.

* Really believe it.

# Be confident without being arrogant.

* When someone beats you, take your hat off and congratulate her or him.

# Be funny.

* Humor goes a long way in building rapport with people, and it’s hard for people to be “gunning for you” if they really like you.

# Elevate the game of everyone around you.

* Lead. Make your study group the best in the class, your team the best team on the wards, your class, the best class in the school.

# Take care of your patients. In the end, it’s all about them (and about what you do for others).

* If, after all the above, you give up your precious exam study time to sit with a lonely patient for 10 minutes, then you have what it takes to get into dermatology.

I'm going to try.

Closing time.

2008-08-20T01:11:00Z

I must have tried to blog since then about a dozen times now...

But what I write seems like its just lacking.

I really allowed myself be so vulnerable, and in the end I came out feeling hurt, cold-shouldered, and rejected. Its okay... I'm not mad or angry about it, I am hurt but thats something I think is okay for me to feel.

What really messed me up, what really messed with my head was not the final outcome of the past two weeks but the latter part, where I really felt ignored and cold shouldered. I didn't know what was going on. Part of that whole experience reminded me about the times I would go down to Hackensack Highschool, and get essentially ditched... I felt like I was unwanted, without being told I was unwanted... The stress was really eating me away...

I tried, I did. I tried really hard to be the best I can be, and to really make a conscious effort to try to make things work...

And I'm happy that I was able to spend those moments with her at the parks, by the water just enjoying each others company. I loved the way she'd smile because even though it seemed like she would sometimes seem to think of her self as jaded, her smile was so innocent and genuine, and the happiness that one look and one smile bestowed on me was absurd :). As much as thinking about the past couple weeks makes my heart sink a little and hurt, I find myself smiling thinking about her, smiling... It was nice, It still is nice... And somehow after all this I still find myself thinking about times I'd catch her smiling at me out of the corner of my eye while driving and feeling happy...

I'm happy that I was able to share my feelings with her... I know that it didn't work out in the end; thats okay. I'll get over it. I just will take time. I'm relieved to know how she actually feels, even though thats not what I would have wanted, but I respect it and I understand. And being told how it is is heck of alot better then letting yourself get frazzled thinking about the whole situation and stressing.

Well between all of this I ended up re-introducing John to Alle, and they hit it off really nicely :), I'm glad that at least one of us in the group is able to update their facebook relationship status :P. Its always nice to see my friends smiling. The fact that John and Alle are happy, and the fact that I was able to hang out with a nice friend is good consolation to some of the feelings I felt during the last couple weeks.

Its been a blast in the end and I'm really happy that two of my friends found each other, I'm happy Brandi and myself were able to spend time together and learn and understand a little bit more about each other. I don't regret any of it.

--"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"--- (Semisonic, Closing Time).

With everything thats been said and done, and approaching fall semester, I'm hopeful to what things are in store for all of us, as we make are way through many new beginnings.

By the way,

Thank you :).

I'm blogging.

2008-07-30T10:30:05Z

Its been quite a while since I've blogged in general and its always made me feel weird when I did because I feel like if I had something to say to someone I would like to tell them in person instead of them finding out through a reading a blog... Its also upsetting that my "enter" key is not functioning and long with it goes my ability to be able to arrange these words into some logical formation that is more appealing to the eye, which I do enjoy doing... But, why the hell not. I really really should be doing my CE's (continuing education) right now because its due... I asked my mother to wake me up at 5am for that reason lol, not to log into livejournal and start to write something, hopefully which will not just end up getting deleted but may end up seeing the light of the internet :P. The amount of work in my life is really overwhelming right now because all I want to do is get the hell out, I don't mind working in the terms of labor, pharmacy whatever but the school work is getting a little overwhelming... I find myself really bugging about it... But its hard for me to make time to be able to get all of this done because I 'm the type of person who feels like they can't function without "getting out" a little bit... I hope that next semester I'll be more organized and I'll be able to function better, I hope that each semester. I start with a nice organized set of materials every semester and end up with a text book with papers stashed in it doubling as a folder towards the end :). But I do feel like I'm getting better each time... I'm looking forward to the end of today so I can get some super-sleep :), nice 8 to 10 hours... thats going to be wonderful... Then its working on stuff all over again... I'm done with Anatomy and Phys on Monday, and I should be able to be "done" with Chemistry Lecture as well.. Only Lab to worry about and Lab isn't all that bad..., but until the I still have to hand in 3 take home tests and maybe some extra credit papers... I wish I had more time to be able to get all of it done... School seems to be wrapping around my life and choking the shit out of me but I have to do what I have to do. I have to keep telling myself that because its important. I can't "fail at life" I just can't. Well all that I blogged was easy compared to what I guess I always want to blog about... I mean I always find myself being able to talk about school or work or whatever with ease and being able to use it as conversation filler enough to be able to carry one out but there are in actually a lot going on in my head... I've been really happy lately, and its a good thing but at the same time it makes me nervous... Very nervous... I mean what do I do... I don't know... <---- notice the evasion to the subject... I don't know how people are able to write so well about so much of their feelings and stuff and when it comes to nitty-gritty I can't write even a little bit down. I guess I should... My immediate friends have known that I've been hanging out with Brandi recently and I can't stop talking about how happy I am, I mean the girl puts a smile on my face that spans from one ear to the other its ridiculous... I mean even though I haven't seen her in a long while she has a profound effect me. When I'm with her I'm completely happy without a care in the world, aside from me worrying of whether she is having a good time or not. :). I find my self telling my friends "I'm so happy" out of no where but unable to tell even my closest friends of exactly whats going on in my head. The way she thinks and the way we talk is just great. I am able to just sit back with her and enjoy myself talking and relaxing together. With her I don't have to feel like there has to always be something going on for her to be happy and entertained. Alot of times things just feel right when were hanging out. I really think shes great company but its not just that. Not only is she smart and intensely fun to be with she's beautiful and unique. I tend to look at her a lot, I love it when she smiles, my favorite smiles are the ones that I see out of the corner of my eye like when I'm driving where she doesn't know I'm paying attention :) they make me happy. So yes,I do have feelings for her... She looks at me, looking at her and asks "what?" seeing that I want to say something and I always say "no." or "what?" back :p. Truth is that your not reading too deeply into things, and there are things I want to say. I'm going to go ahead and post this. I wish it came out more fluid and eloquent but I guess its better then nothing. I hope it does not have any catastrophic repercussions...

Steaming Poetry 07

2007-01-04T01:36:23Z

WHATS GOOD.

Subjected to Life

2006-06-28T05:38:50Z

Streaming Poetry.

Take 1:

Streaming through the stars,
I yearn for ice cream,
Screaming through the bars,
I yearn for closed seams,

Bleeding inside,
And hating yourself isn't the way to go,
I see it in you and in me and everyone in between,

My mind has ripped and shredded from side to side,
And my stomach has lurched from left to right,
An angel touched me.

But now from that wound I seem to bleed,

And when the heavens fall, and demons scream gracefully,
As angels become porn stars, and god becomes a commercial,
The delete button becomes distant, still used but more distant as I goes,
For all I know this could be read by a bunch of rabid myspace hoes,

The rhyme is lost, and the pain is gone,
The structer is gone and my freed,

The greed of you and the greed of me now once and gone,
And the green of you and the blue of me mix to form a pink,

An angel sleeps inside your house, and a blood thirsty dog sleeps inside your heart,
A bleeding mix of happy agony,

A tripped out landscape of sheep and bunnys,

I laugh as I read the Sunday Funnys...

Gunnys, gangsters with guns, moneys green bills and bums,
Sums, of numbers that cannot be added,
Lumps of sombers that couldn't be shorted,

As the writing gets longer
He starts to wonder.
Not really wander but more like wunder,
But someone somehow somewhere sometime has said the right answers,
And never got credit,

RADIO EDIT.

Someone feels like they just drove through a storm,
And someone else acctually did.

Someone else feels like they jumped off a building,
While someone else is just chilling dead,

HEAD,

Oh boy that could mean more then one thing,

But if you want it you gotta have the bling bling,

Sing sing, Bing bing, ding ding, ping ping,
Bring along the fun things likes bing so they cling away from a obtrusive ping!

Angels, I feel would make the best myspace whores, LJ whores or whatever people are into,

As fathers and mothers all get wired, either on the crack or on the internet, or maybe even by the cops,

REST STOPS.

Sometimes you gotta go long in a hole,
Just to see how holds,
And Woe~
I see how much a need to be to see to bleed in side a seed to grow rich and green,

TO BE SEEN!

To wonder how life would go around twisting and turning through a violent, violet, eternity,

So how does someone ever get to know the truth,
The person who works in the phone booth,

Shit a hoot, a boot to the ass,

Gas I like peddling instead,

The end..l

The only end to send the mend to fend off the tent made of cement that vents sulfric sents to blend in side a mind that finds to binds that climes that chimes picking up fallen dimes to increase a the time on the meter.

The need to be happy.

2005-03-20T21:17:33Z

Numbers:

I sit alone now,
I guess thats how it was,
And now I realize again, that this is the way,
And no matter what I can say to myself, I'll always believe this is pain,

My hearts been betrayed,
My mind has flayed,
But I always, I've always managed to feel this way,
Alone, by myself a lone vagabond in his search for something,
Something, nothing; a quest, a hope, a dream, thats far in my mind,
Something that can never leave, something without any seams,

And now I ly here in dismay,

Maybe; maybe, I should beileve,
Believe in something maybe just one thing, but what can I accomplish; if I feel like nothing,

A path? a life? a drug to make it all go away?
But if I was to walk along the edge of the knife,
Where could I go, where would stay?
What can I call home, what can I call my own?
But I can feel those held back tears from long ago,
Always behind my eyes,
Always waiting, waiting to subside,

This was written today.

And this is one I wrote when I found out what *really* happened during my relationship with Crystal how she fucked some guy and cheated on me and blah blah blah, this was written maybe a monthish ago.

You are my one and only,
You to me is scared and holy,
You make me believe,
You make me see,
You make every part of me scream with love,
You make me feel like I can run away,
And you make me beleive with me you would have stayed.
You make me want to give up my life,
You make want to spend eternty with you as my wife,
And you make feel like I am the one.
You made me want to dive into the sun.

Your future is our future,
And my future is for you.
My life is for you.
I'll slit my throat and bleed on the floor
Just for you to have a carpet of red.
I'd sacrafice myself for you,
I'd cut out my eye if you lost sight,
I'd break my bones just to mend yours,
I'd take this body and give it to you,
I'd share my soul with you were to loose yours.
My flesh and My blood would be for you,

I am in love... And I will do anything;
Anything to please you...

But... thats not the case anymore

I thought this year wasn't a waste.
I believed that I learned alot from this mistake.
And I thought that we could be friends.

Even that thought is coming to a end.

I'm glad I'm over you, I'm sorry I thought we could be
friends.
I'm pouring every last memory I had with you into this.
So listen to me please.

Since we've been part.
People have talked.
Peopled have whispered in my ear...
And the thing I had to hear,
Proved to me that I wasted a year,
I thought that our relationship wasn't that bad,
I thought that we could friends,
I thought that I learned alot,
And I thought you were genuine at the least.
You bitch you lied.
You fucking bitch you lied.
My heart was in your hands
And you ignored that fact.
For crying loud its okay you rebounded,
I didn't care about that.
I'm sorry you had to fuck a guy within a week,
Is that the kind of attention that you look to seek?
I didn't realize you cheated,
I'm sorry I was in love... I thought at least
for the least while we were together,
That we in love, and that you wouldn't betray me,
But you did, you lied to me, you fucked me over,
You never cared.. you stupid bitch,

I hope you know we can't be friends.
I hope you don't exhist to me,
I hope you my memory has been wiped clean,

And will I ever forgive you?
You can get on your knees,
You can cry at my feet,
You do anything and everything to rectify your diseat,
But all is of no use...
You shouldn't even try to ask.
You shouldn't even look at me,
And why is that?
why else?

Because I already have.

Feeling better.

2005-02-28T22:13:09Z

I'm feeling much better,
Trying to stay positive...
I've given it some thought,
I love this girl, thats just how it seems to be and if she's going through shit. I'm going to try to be there for her when she needs me even if she is trying to distance herself from me. She's been there when I've felt like shit and had alot of shit going on. So I'll sit and wait and hope that eventually she can open herself up to me again.

Well see you all later,

-Yoshi

Life really can suck at times.

2005-02-28T17:44:48Z

Depressed.

I dunno I was totally estatic the past few weeks because Duck stepped into my life. I really had alot a apprietation for her being there and caring. I acctually fell in love with her. She waited four years for me she said. But now things in her life are really getting hectic, her Grandmother is dying and it really sucks. I feel like crap because I know that I can't really do anything for her Grandmother and I don't even know if I can do anything for Duck, Duck seems really wrapped up in it and I really never get the chance to even talk or speak to her on AIM for long. When we have coversation short she says she's not able to emotionally connect with someone with all this bullshit going on in her life.. I'm sorry she can't. I allowed myself to acctually open to her emotionally now this happens... I do hope things get better. Just kills to me to hear stuff like that. But yeah I'll figure something out.

Wow, this sucks so badly,

-Yoshi

reverendyoshi @ 2005-02-26T13:08:00

2005-02-26T18:15:42Z

Blah,

I started to play Magic again, I've been researching alot. I've been estatic to find that 1.5 format now known as Legacy is making a big come back. I've always liked 1.x because I could use the rath cycle and urza's block in it, but rath is rotating out... So fuck 1.x And my only other options or so I thought was to make block deck that no one cares about, to play t1 in which the some of the decks I loved weren't being played. Or just play t2 or Kamigawa block. Until I found at that 1.5 is getting bigger! I get play with Tradewinds and happy stuff like that. I just picked one up for 4 bucks! Either way. I'm also planning on starting to play block... But not until the next block is released (after kamigawa) so that I can just pick up a box, maybe go to the prelease if I can and so that I can have a fresh start.

Either way thats for my magic news... If you ever want to play MWS with me (Magic Work Station). shoot me a IM (YDoes1Hurt).

What else? I'm getting pretty content and relaxed. I have a few goals, and feel like I can accoplish them. So that makes me happy.

Duck's grandma is sick so she's spending time with her, I'm glad that she gets to see her grandmother. But I can't really talk to her which kinda sucks. Lol.

I've held off on Runescape for a while... Maybe I just have to get off my ass and do something.
Well see everyone later,

Peace,

-Yoshi

Sleep...

2005-02-24T06:03:47Z

People always have to get in the way wtf!

Lol, I hate bullshit.
I haven't slept yet pretty much so yeah but I was supposed to talk to Duck tonight and I waited till about 11:30-12 so yeah turns out her fucking mother is being a bitch... *sigh* I guess everyone has thair ups and downs. On top of the Duck's bouncing to her Grandma's so I won't be able to talk to her for a while. The last night I could have talked to her this shit happens lol.

Oh well,

Life will always been good.
If you allow it to be.

Remeber that people,

-Yoshi

Yep.

2005-02-23T12:21:08Z

I doubt anyone really looks at this anymore but I'm going to be using this as a more personal journal this will eventually come friends only, but for the time being because I feel that I no one really looks at this I'm going to leave it open.

This was in one my blogs on myspace but I thought it was little too personal for myspace were everyone and their mother's can see... Anyway here it is...

Subject: Wow

I am so happy...

I'm going to quote a song by Semisonic.

"Every new beginning starts with some other beginning's end"

Its so true!!!!!

There's a girl that I knew... I've only known her for a week out of my life... Even though that week if faint in my memory... We met at camp... four years ago... We dated but distance (apox 194 miles) made us fall apart. I've been talking to her again... And I've realized the person that I've been searching for all this time has been biding their time... And I think finally I've realized it.

We'd always talk when I was not in relationship, and she'd always tell me she still liked me...

She's helped me stay happy... Yes happy through this horrible bullshit that I had to deal with. I've talked to her for hours and hours and I still long to hear her voice. I'm so estatic to know that this is real... When we dated I never told her that I loved her. She's been waiting... Its so weird its like some fantasy story. She's a amazing person.

Fuck the world... I am going to put it out in the open... I think I might have fallen right were I should have, back in her embrace.

The interesting part about it that Crystal always feared her. Everytime I'd mention her name Crystal would get so jealous, even when I was convinced that Crystal was the one for me. Maybe Crystal knew something I didn't, maybe Crystal knew that Duck was acctually the one for me.

Crystal and I put each other through alot of bullshit. She's put me through ALOT of bullshit. She's lied and whatever... But she also taught me something because I spent a year with a person whom I was incompatible with I've learned to apprietate things more about other people. I used to think Crystal was the one for me... the best in a way... I don't know exactly what the right metaphor or analogy would explain this but I spend a year appretiating something that was utter shit and now Duck comes along and I realized that I apprietated utter shit for so long that when finally the one I've been waiting for comes along... its a millions times more awesome! I don't know exactly if I worded that right.

I feel like I went from like arsenic to like ambrosia in a way :-p.
You know comparing Cyrstal to arsenic, it would have been awesome to find like apple juice in a way... But I can't believe I found ambrosia...

Like seriously its not like went from worst - average...
But HOLY CRAP it went from worst - best.

Its like my fucking life was bi-polar lol...

Even with all the shit the Crystal did (I refuse to say only because I am a nice person and don't want people to think she's a little hoe) I'm happy... Its scary I love it. Just so weird I'm going through hell... And like my life is just starting to the complete opposite direction.

I guess if anyone is confused about anything I said they should just talk to me person. Because I may be able to explain it better in person, I don't want to come off the wrong way. But either way lemme end this entry with a choice few words.

I AM FUCKING ME!

And I've fallen in love with Ducky...

It took four years for me to come this much of a realization and I'm looking forward to the rest of my life.

Ahhh...

Well world... if anyone is reading including Crystal, this is me, and I am me, if you don't like it.... *blow it out your ass!!!!!*

-Yoshi

Life.

2004-04-20T03:42:56Z

I'm chilling like a villian...

Um.. update I should update my journal.

Nothing new has happend, ask me if you want to know the latest news, peace.

reverendyoshi @ 2004-03-01T23:39:00

2004-03-02T04:42:00Z

GODDAMNIT SHIT SUCKS SOMETIMES EH? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

reverendyoshi @ 2004-03-01T01:08:00

2004-03-01T06:11:48Z

Brandi is no longer.

And I am damn happy.

After I had broken up with her; I found out that she had been cheating on me with a guy named John for ever since we started to date again. Now the whole breakup is guilt free.

Anyway; I with this girl Crystal now, she's from Elmwood Park; she so chill.

Anyway quick update.

Peace.